"Yeah, good thanks, you?"
Scratch that, my reply is more like;
"Yeah good, I've just made a scale model of the London Eye out of lollypop sticks for homework for one of the kids, you know, how are you?"
It's easier for me to deflect that to truly say how I am. It often is. I think in my head I'm asking, does this person have time to listen to how I really am? Do I have time to listen to how I really am?
When I was freelance a popular session that I did was building communities online, drawing on the work of Dr Lou Mycroft . The thing people would always want to talk to me about after the session was what to say instead of "how are you?". In the session I talked about how you have to be prepared for the responses when you ask "how are you?" and if you don't have time to listen, don't ask.
I went for coffee this week with a friend who I shamefully haven't seen face to face for 2.5 years. (Agree that the full 2.5 years aren't my fault) For the past 2.5 years her replies to my "how are you?" messages have been "yeah good, you?". But this week she opened up that she's been in a fertility struggle all that time and it's been tough. I shared that another of our friends had gone through something similar, she didn't know. Next week the 3 of us are meeting so those two can share. Afterwards she text to say thanks and she was sorry for not opening up sooner but it was easier not to. I let her know that I am always here for her responses and she doesn't need to hide from me but that I get it. It's easier to say that we are ok and save those painful things for quiet moments.
I went to a presentation evening for one of my kids sports teams and a mum arrived heavily pregnant. She was heavily pregnant I remember from the last presentation evening but then I also remember that I've not seen her baby. She shared that they had lost that baby. So when all the other parents had been asking in the WhatsApp "how is everyone" it was easier for her to chuck in a 👍 and we would all move on.
If we truly want to know how someone is, we need to be prepared to listen to their responses. As painful and upsetting that might be for us, we have to have that openness to listen and show that we care. Otherwise "how are you?" is just a token, it's meaningless.
Weekly, I meet online with a bunch from #JoyFE (open invitation to everyone, DM me to know more) and our opening question is "how are you?" and it's here my answer this week has been
"I'm not feeling great, docs have done some tests. My 41yo cousin died and I only lost my 34yo cousin 3 months ago and whilst we weren't still mega close it's hurting, you know".
This is where my online pals learn more about me than anyone else, because part of the Thinking Environment that this meeting is held in is that it's ok to not to be ok, there is time and space to be honest about how you are feeling. That's the difference of a Thinking Environment.
Please check out the brilliant Thinking Cultures for more on the Thinking Environment and to book CPD for your teams, Dr Lou Mycroft is my go to expert on this.
I'm not against asking "how are you?" I think we should probably ask it more. But I do think we should mean it when we ask it and be ready for the response that comes our way.
Wishing you a restful weekend.
Hoping you are well.
Genuinely, how are you? DMs open
