As I venture into my new world of self employed freelancer I am finding myself seeking ways into new spaces. Yet that pesky impostor syndrome is always there, asking me to double check and wipe my feet before I go in to a new room. Am I welcome? Such an important question whether impostor syndrome strikes or not! What am I here to say? What am I here to learn? If I can answer these questions whether the imposer strikes or not I am steadier on my feet.
I am a schools based teacher who moved into FE. This means I can relate to high school teachers and FE teachers about our work. The work is essentially the same. Education. The buildings are different but the core aim is the same. When I moved to FE I was sneered at by my schools colleagues. They felt I was making a mistake. They knew, as did I, that my pay would be dwarfed in FE and I would incrementally earn more if I stayed in schools. But I was saddled with numerous student loans and in NQT+2, FE were going to pay me more so I jumped, with every intention of returning and re joining the school spine in the future.
The trouble was the longer I spent in FE the more I loved it. The wide variety of subjects. The wide range of abilities. The awesome settings. The subject experts and interesting people wherever you go. FE is the most welcoming place in education. No matter where you live, what your qualifications are or where you have been before you are welcome. Be it a 16 year old needing to resit and joining on a level 1 with maths and English GCSE's or if you are a 74 year old adult who wants to meet new friends and study IT. All are welcome.
So I never left FE, well until now. I haven't actually left though, I still do my maths teaching in FE. I can't not teach, it is what I do. Whether it is coaching, mentoring, influencing that I do in my day to day freelance work, I now I will always crave that maths classroom. So I still teach. I am proud of that, I love having those light bulb moments with students when I teach a new topic and it finally clicks. That is probably the main reason I never returned to schools. The fact that my maths students are re sitters and I help them unlock that maths ability. That it the magic of the job.
Now I am a freelancer, a consultant, a speaker, a whatever you need me to be. I am entering more and more spaces. Different colleges invite me in to share my latest work or my latest ideas on edtech or how to embed maths in curriculum areas. I do it all. Yet not all audiences are welcoming. Essentially often I am the CPD speaker. I am doing CPD to staff. Rarely have they chosen to be there. Rarely have they asked to work with me. Rarely do they want to be there. I don't take this personally but I recognise that CPD is a personal choice and many organisations still force it upon staff rather than involve them in the decision.
A recent college didn't want me there, the audience made that known mid session. They also made it known in the feedback afterwards. But I asked my self. What am I here to say and what am I here to learn? I was there to say how to create active engaging activities online and I was there to learn what challenges teachers face. I learnt the frustrations of the staff were the same as I had experienced and witnessed colleagues experience. I learnt that through my own experience of this and the ideas I was here to share, that things could get better for these staff. But they didn't want me there and didn't listen. Yet I left confident in that I had said what I wanted to and I believed in my approaches. There were no hard feelings.
Yet the unwelcoming nature of the space remains. The staff were having CPD done to them. There was no choice. The college had failed to seek the participants thoughts on what they wanted to learn about, the college had decided what was best. It is the same as when I enrol my children in an after school activity. If I choose the club or lesson it isn't welcome but if they choose a new sport to learn they are excited. But then organisations face spiralling costs and adding more options for CPD means more costs. I would argue though that with so much CPD now online surely some traditional face to face costs, of large conferences for example, are no longer in the expenditure budget so could be reassigned?
The impostor though did strike me recently when I was considering contributing to a HE event. That snobbery my school colleagues had expressed towards FE was multiplied and magnified by this HE event. Their approach did not welcome me in. They mase me feel like an intruder. I had bravely stuck my toe in the door and knew what I was there to learn. However I was not sure of what I was saying and how it would be received. I retreated and forgot about the HE event. I blinked it away and removed it from my memories. Then the deadline came around and I was reminded of the event again.
I was fortunate to be part of a nationwide community of practice of fellow advanced practitioners via AP Connect. I took my idea to a #FestivalFriday #IdeasRoom. If you have yet to experience an ideas room, please do come along to a #JoyFE one on a Wednesday evening 8pm GMT, all are welcome (DM for link). In an ideas room, everyone takes turns and shares the space. Each idea is developed for those who bring one, and for those who don't bring on of their own they actively listen and their contributions help form the shared idea. It is magical.
One Friday I shared my idea about my contribution to the HE event. We went in a round and the other participants shared their freshest thinking. Quickly it was identified through discussion that the impostor was holding me to ransom. Then one participant said something that gave me my own light bulb moment.
"There would be no HE without FE"
In hearing this the impostor quietly silenced. I knew what I wanted to say and I submitted my idea to the HE event. The next stage of the process couldn't have been more welcoming, there was no sneering in the next stage of the HE event planning team. It has become a beautiful space to be part of. I am proud to say I come from FE and this is what I want to contribute. That pride is cemented in me by the strength my community of practice, be it #APConnect or #JoyFE give me. Education is a welcoming space as a whole, the end goal is always the same.
What I have learnt now is those same rules my parents gave me when making friends as a child still apply. Try to be nice, if they are mean, be twice as nice, if they are still mean walk away.
If a space doesn't feel welcoming, try to amplify the positive affirmative action or message you came to share. If it still isn't welcoming it is OK to walk away it may be an off day for them, it probably isn't personal to you. And that impostor can go back in their box.
